Feeling Kinda Sassy

08:55 am: I've been using MySpace blog cuz its just more conveinent so if you want to know what's going on with me click on the website button and it will take you to my page where you can read my blog because LJ would really just be a copy and paste from there from now on.

09:44 pm: I'm so bored
L - A - S - T...
. Last Cigarette: Gross
. Last kiss: yesterday
. Last Cry: last night
. Last Library Book Checked Out: It's been a really long time
. Last Movie Seen In Theater: Failure to Launch
. Last Book Read: Sperm Wars
. Last Cuss Word Uttered: Fuuuuuck
. Last Beverage Drank: generic coke
. Last Food Consumed?: mexi-melt
. Last TV Show Watched: Grey's Anatomy
. Last Time Showered: umm this morning I think
. Last Shoes Worn: Old Navy flip flops
. Last Soda Drank: generic coke
. Last Thing Written: drop class form
. Last Words Spoken: fuuuuuck what is this assholes problem?!?!
. Last Annoyance: Jason
. Last Time Scolded Someone: Shannon
. Last Web Site Visited: SEMI Synod

T R U E O R F A L S E . . .
. You have a crush on someone: true
. You wish you could live somewhere else: true
. You believe in a God: true
. You want more Piercings: true
. You drink/have drunk: true
. You smoke/have smoked: true/false depending on what
. You like cleaning: false
. You like roller coasters: true
. You write in cursive: true

F O R *O R * A G A I N S T...
. Long distance relationship: totally against...fuck em
. Teenage smoking: gross
. Doing drugs: against unless its casual pot smoking
. Driving drunk: against
. Someone uses someone for their goodies: whatev it happens

HAVE YOU EVER..
. Ever cried over the opposite sex: all the time
. Ever lied to someone: yea
. Ever been in a fist fight: yes
. Ever been arrested: no but it might be fun

NUMBER..
. Of times you have been in love? once maybe twice trying to decide that
. Of times you have had your heart broken? Two ppl but one did it a zillion times
. Of hearts you have broken? only one that I know of but he broke mine too
. Of drugs taken? non-prescription? one
. Of people you consider your enemies? several
. Of scars on your body? yea I'm a clutz so you know how that goes
. Of things in your past that you regret: I refuse to regret

01:38 am: I'm Out
Okay guys I'm out. I give up completely with all of this internet hullabaloo. There are certain people I don't want in my life right now and certain people that are just not a positive influence or aspect in my life so I'm done with it. I'm deleting my myspace and livejournal and probably facebook too to make it more difficult to have contact with the negativity and influences. I have certain beliefs and morals and if you engage in those things I'm against then I really don't need you in my life right now cuz it inevitably brings me into those things. What good are my beliefs if I can't stand behind them 100%? And you know what if you can not be someone who is supportive of me and the things I want to do. And if you are not a dependable person and you don't call me when you say you are going to and don't return calls and are just plain inconsiderate and disrespectful. Then I don't need you involved in my life either. Think about the way you treat people k? And think about the choices you make in life. Good luck guys if you need me you know where to reach me on aim or by the cell, although neither will be on much.

~Peace~

09:43 am: Wow! What a stupid holiday.
Today is going to be shitty. If even one person ask me what I'm doing, what I got, or even wishes me a Happy Valentine's day I will hate them forever and ever. For one, this holiday is just a commercial trap to get people to spend money on pointless shit. For two, it just makes people who are not in a relationship and not loved feel like shit. I mean come on do we really need a special day for everyone else to rub it in that they have someone and we don't? No, I didn't think so. Am I in love? No. Do I love someone? Yes. So, that makes it a really shitty day cuz I love someone but in order to be in love that person has to want to be with you. So, thanks corporate America for just throwing salt in that wound and kicking me while I'm down. Well, you know what? Fuck you.

11:10 am: Trying really hard to just walk away
Walk Away
By: Ben Harper

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.

01:13 am: Do you believe me?
I'm dealing with everything great! I'm working my ass off at the gym watching what I'm eating. Everything is fucking wonderful.

08:23 am: I LOVE THIS CD!!!
This song feels like a "prediction" about somebody I know aye? Cuz eventually he'll feel like this and there will be nothing I can do about it. You know what else I love about this song and basically this entire cd it can take on so many different meanings it just depends on how you want to "see" or interpret the lyrics.


Billy - By: James Blunt

Billy's leaving today (don't know where he's going).
Holds his head in disgrace (he can't escape the truth).
He knows the price that he's paid.
He admits that it's too late to admit that he's afraid.
Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he's always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Oh Billy.

Billy's leaving today (don't know where he's going).
He's got lines on his face (they tell the story of his pain).
He accepts it's his fate.
He admits it took too long to admit that he was wrong.
Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he's always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Oh Billy.

Once he was a lover sleeping with another.
Now he's just known as a cheat.
And he wish he'd had a mirror; looked a little clearer.
Seen into the eyes of the weak.
Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he's always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Oh Billy.

11:19 pm: Upset as usual
Today turned out to be a really shitty day. I felt guilty all day for not answering Joe's text. The guilt basically engulfed my entire day and made me really tired and feeling crappy all day. So, anyhow I broke down and called him but he didn't answer. God, I wanted him to answer so bad. I didn't expect him to say anything different I just wanted to talk to him. I think he didn't answer cuz I didn't yesterday which serves me right but still. I even thought since I don't have class on Thursday I'd go see him but that kind of defeats the purpose of all of this. I just want to be a constant happy you know. I'm just constantly depressed with a few spurts of content here and there. I can't believe one person has such control over my emotions and feelings. I hate myself for being so weak. And really overall my day was really boring. I think I wanted to fall asleep in all of my classes and seriously considered throwing myself off the ambassador bridge from plan boredom. Let me think I need to pull something positive out of this day...um...oh...I finally bought the James Blunt cd Back to Bedlam It is honestly the best thing I have ever heard in my entire life. I've never found any music that I can relate to as well as I can this cd right now. I'm exhausted thinking I'm off to bed. Why do I love him so much?

12:57 am: Let me tell you a story
I went to lunch and Target today with my mom. After lunch we went to Target and when we got there I asked my mom "Do you have any gum?" She said "no" I said "here give me some money and I'll go get some" so she hands me 50 cents and I wander off towards the registers to buy some chewing gum. Well, when I get there the cheapest gum they have is 89 cents. The cashier asks me "what are you looking for?" I said "Oh just like a 25 cent pack of gum." She says "Oh no we don't have any of that." I said "thank you" and then I turn around and walk back to my mom and say "I need 39 more cents the cheapest gum they have is 89 cents" she hands me 40 cents and I return to the registers. I search through the gum for sugar free because that is what my mom wants. I finally find it, take it off of the shelf and pay another cashier for it. She asks "Do you want the receipt?" In my head I say "No, it's gum why do I need the receipt?" but I say to her "sure" thinking "well you never know, since I'm going back to shop there might be a problem." So my mom and I walk around for about 25 minutes joking around and shopping for this girls bridal shower gifts. All of a sudden I see this creepy guy watching me and giving me a dirty look so I was like "Whatever loser" and went about my business. Well, I got fed up waiting for my mom and sat my fat ass down on the bottom of the cart lol. All of a sudden this creepy guy looks at me and gives me a dirty look. So, I say to my mom kinda loud "Is it okay to kick somebody's ass if they keep giving you dirty looks?!" She's like "Amanda, stop it. No one is giving you dirty looks you always thinking people are looking at you stop exaggerating." I'm like "No I'm serious" So, whatever we forget it. We go to the next aisle and I'm standing there talking to my mom and he walks by AGAIN! I'm like "Mom, there he is again!" as she looks he pulls out a walkie talkie out of his pocket and says something like and they're chewing gum. I'm like "see I told you he was following us. I want to leave right now give me the keys to the car I am creeped out and want to go home." My mom is like "No, you are not going to the car where'd he go I want to find him and find out what his problem is." Mind you we've been in the store for like an hour now. So, we can't catch him so we continue on our journey through the store looking for the gifts and all of a sudden I'm like "Mom! There he is again. In the cd section watching me!" So, she throws everything she is holding in the cart and now she is chasing this idiot up and down the aisles of Target. LMAO. So, I finally catch up and I hear my mom say "Sir, what is your problem? Why do you keep following me and my daughter? What do you think we did wrong?" He says "Well, you'll have to talk to a manager about that." "Fine get the manager" my mother says. So, he calls the manager over and she comes over and is like "What's the problem?" and my mom explains and says "We knew he was talking about us when he said 'they're chewing gum'" He goes "I did not say you were chewing gum I said about the chewing gum and your daughter!" all indignant and shit. I think that's when my jaw dropped. My mom says "Oh you mean the chewing gum I have the receipt for right here." She then whips it out of her pocket and hands it to the manager. She looks it over and is like "uh well uh um" and they start to walk away. My mom is like "all you had to do was ask sir". I wanted to buy a cd but I said to my mom as we walked away kind of leaving them lingering there "Forget I don't want to buy my cd. I won't buy anything from this store that I don't have to. They could have atleast apologized." All of a sudden the manager comes up and is like "I'm really sorry about that I will talk to the head of the security department and the cashier because there must have been a descrepancy." No shit. So, I said "You know I went up there one time and didn't have enough money so went and got enough and went back and paid for it." She turns around and tries to blame me by saying "well, that's probably what happened is you opened it before paying for it" I'm like "No, I didn't I didn't even take it off of the shelf until I had the right amount for it" and all she can say is "well, I don't know then"

Are you kidding me? How old do I look? I am 19 years old and I can almost guarantee you I make more money then both those assholes so like I'm really going to steal a fucking pack of gum. This guy spent over an hour following me around over fricking chewing gum. What an idiot. Could you imagine though if I hadn't gotten the receipt? Or if my mom would have let me go to the car when I got creeped out. They would have tackled my ass in the parking lot. Part of me wishes they would have so I could of sued their ass. It was clear they were waiting for us to leave the store to make a scene because there were other uniformed security guards waiting around the door. Whatever I just can't believe people are that stupid. Could you imagine if I fit the stereotype of a theif? That ass prolly wouldn't even let me in the store lol.


Okay, anyhow on to more somber news...I did one of the hardest things I have had to do today. Joe sent me a text message and I didn't reply. I know to alot of you it doesn't seem like much but I'm in love with him and want to be with him. So, it is very hard to ignore him I just know its going to hurt to much to talk to him and I know he is not ready to be with me because it is impossible for him to have gotten his life together in 2 days. I am majorly forcing myself not to call him and not to text him but believe me I want to. It does make me feel good and I hope that he knows I thinking about him constantly and I love him still and he's always on my mind. I just cannot handle talking to him when I know he doesn't want to/can't be with me right now.

09:13 am: Lazy Day Again
Woke up way late today :( missed/skipped all of my classes today. I have been finding it really difficult to get motivated to do anything lately. I keep thinking oh shit I have to do this or I forgot to do this and then I don't do it. What the f*#$ is wrong with me!!!!!!! But, I'm not really depressed this morning just lazy. Thinking about going to Target to get a new cd. I keep thinking of all these things I have to do soon like work, synod council meeting and this and that and I am just not in the mood to do any of it. But, I don't want to sit around either. I'm beginning to think I need to transfer schools, go somewhere far far far away. Just start fresh you know. I'm already in a lazy shitty rut at Wayne. Maybe I'll go out to the University of Hawaii that would rock my socks off lol. Well, I doubt I'll actually have the guts to do it but maybe I'll at least look into other schools. Cuz I do belive I just need to get away from it all. They say running away from things doesn't help but it sure feels like it would right now.

03:09 pm: AWESOME DAY SO FAR!!!
Well, I had to work which sucks but I got the best workout since I stopped swimming, got some reading done and got to talk to Derek for awhile. He's a cool guy. He seems like such a good brother. You know always watching out for his sister and just doing things to take care of her and show her he cares. That's cool you don't see that in siblings too often. I'm feeling really good about life in general today. I'm actually thinking about going back to the gym later tonight.

12:04 pm: Again thinking of someone special
"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.




This guys lyrics are so amazing I bought his cd. I know this is what is best for Joe and I but it still makes me sad and I still want to call him all the time and be with him but I know I just can't and I have to move on.

08:30 am: Thinking of someone special
"You're Beautiful"

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high, [ - video/radio edited version]
Fucking high, [ - CD version]
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.



THIS ALBUM IS SO AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL

12:59 pm: I am feeling much better. Surprisingly, Joe and I aren't back together. And I'm still happy can you believe it. I understand why he did it from his perspective and understand why he did it from my perspective which have alot of similarities but I definantly think there were more reasons to it than he will admit. Oh well... I just want everyone to know that I am okay and I appreciate all the thoughts and listening ears (lmao that sounds funny) I received. I am just gonna do my thing and enjoy. I kind of have up in the air plans for tonight which is cool cuz I haven't done anything without Joe in long time before this week. Last night I hung out with Jack which was awesome cuz I definantly needed that no pressure no stress environment. Things always work out and you know what maybe some time far far far down the road things will have changed in Joe's life to be able to have relationship with me and be the person I need him to and maybe by that time I'll be able to have done the same.

09:33 am: Andrew' McCarthy's Character KEVIN rocks my socks off
Kirby: It's true love, my friend.

Kevin: Love, love, you know what love is? Love is an illusion created by lawyer types like yourself to perpetuate another illusion called marriage to create the reality of divorce and then the illusionary need for divorce lawyers. You know there are more people in law school right now than there are lawyers on the entire planet? Think about that.

Kirby: You are just pissed off and bitter because you have not had sex in... how long? What is it... a year... maybe two? Refresh my memory please, Kevin. Haven't you heard of the sexual revolution?

Kevin: Who won, huh? Nobody. Used to be sex was the only free thing, No longer. Alimony... palimony... it's all financial. Love is an illusion.

Kirby: It's the only illusion that counts, my friend.

Kevin: Says who?

Kirby: Anyone who's been in love.

Kevin: Love sucks.

Kirby: So does your attitude.



Kevin: Marriage is a concept invented by people who were lucky to make it to 20 without being eaten by dinosaurs. Marriage is obsolete.

Alec: Dinosaurs are obsolete. Marriage is still around.

09:27 am: I woke up feeling shittier than yesterday and realized I am not loved by who I want to be and no I DO NOT believe in true love. Fuck Love.

"You know what love is backwards? It's E-V-O-L. Evil! Pure evil! Granted it's spelled differently, but it's the same thing." -- Brad, Trojan War

12:57 am: Why is it so easy to feel so worthless? I hurt so much. I just don't want to feel like this and I can't do anything about it. I mean nothing to the one person who means the world to me. I fucking hate everything about my life at this moment. The end.

10:49 pm: I've never hated anyone more
I've never hated anyone more than I do you today, not even my mother. You were the only one that every really cared and now you don't. I'm left here by myself to deal with all this shit by myself and you don't give a fuck all you can say is whatever and as I sit here and cry until I'm throwing up all you're doing is enjoying your night with your friends well you know what I hate you because I love you and all you do is hurt me. You've lied to me telling me all of the things you knew I needed to hear telling me you'd always be there and you're not. Telling me you'd do anything when all you do is nothing. I can't do this I am not in a position to handle this right now. I needed you needed the stability you brought me and now what do I have me myself and I. Oh and the fucking colleagues from all these fucking organizations that I'm apart of that take all my time away from you. I don't have anyone I can call and talk to no one there who wants to be with me for me. You were that person and you just said fuck it. My few "friends" are too busy for me or too tired of my shit with you and I've lost it all and I can't do it anymore I hate you if I tell myself that enough maybe I will believe it.

I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car;
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate it -- I hate the way you're always right;
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh;
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you --
not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

10:58 am: Boys Suck!
God,I dunno what is with Joe. He like frickin' is being all pissy with me because I have obligations and committments. He just seems to always be using this pissy tone of voice with me you know. He got all snippy cuz he asked me what I was doing and I said bills and he's like I thought you did those last night and I said I did some but fell asleep doing it remember and he's like omg I wait up really late for two hours and you fall asleep and don't even finish your bills and don't care. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! He acts like he has never done that before to me or never just didn't come home and had me up waiting for him or wasn't driving super far late at night and didn't call when he got there so I'm all worried and can't sleep thinking something happened to him. Well, you know what? Screw that. I'm not even gonna worry if he calls me anymore and definitely not gonna make it a point to go out of my way to call him because he takes it for granted and gets pissy when I don't so forget that shit.

10:04 pm: This is my favorite song right now!
This is my favorite song right now it just has a really great sound. I LOVE IT!


NEVER AGAIN - Nickelback

He's drunk again, it's time to fight
She must have done something wrong tonight
The living room becomes a boxing ring
He's time to run when you see him
Coming licking his hands
She's just a woman
Never Again

I hear a scream, from down the hall
Amazing she can even talk at all
She cries to me, Go back to bed
I'm terrified, She'll wind up Dead
In his hands, She's just a woman
Never Again

Been there before, but not like this
Seen it before, but not like this
Never before have I have
Seen him this bad
She's just a woman
Never Again

Just tell the nurse, you slipped and fell
It starts to sting as it starts to swell
She looks at you, she wants the truth
It's right out there in the waiting room
With those hands
Lookin just as sweet as he can
Never Again

Seen it before, but not like this
Been there before, but not like this
Never before have I have
Seen him this bad
She's just a woman
Never Again

Father's a name you haven't earned yet
You're just a child with a temper
Haven't you heard "Don't hit a lady"?
Kickin' your ass would be a pleasure

He's drunk again, it's time to fight
Same old shit, just on a different night
She grabs the gun, she's had enough
Tonight she'll find out how fucking
Tough is this man
Pulls the trigger just as fast as she can
Never Again

Seen it before, but not like this
Been there before, but not like this
Never before have I have
Seen him this bad
She's just a woman
Never Again